X-Men Origins: ME.

It’s about freaking time that someone went ahead and blasphemed against my origin story.

I mean, they didn’t even talk about old one eye’s in X-Men Origins: Cyclops and they got diamond tits’ outright wrong in X-Men Origins: Emma Frost.  I was feeling left out!  All I’ve been doing is fighting AIM for my alternaverse zombie head, having inane adventures in a solo title, hanging out dimension-hopping with my alterna-buddies saving the multiverse, attending funerals, joining X-Force, team-up with Z-Listers and watching Bea Arthur porn.

It’s really about time I took a moment to reflect on something I’ve already done.  That being: MY ENTIRE LIFE UP UNTIL THIS POINT.

Duane is totally amazing and the cover totally tells you everything that’s about to happen.  My encounters with Wolverine, my sexual encounters with Copycat, my sexual encounters with Nathan, me being in a tube.  It’s like any other comicbook cover: totally not misleading.

Wait, no, it’s that other thing: it’s totally misleading. I was really hoping to throw-down with Wolverine, and throw my pants down with Copycat.  I haven’t done that sort of thing for ages!  Other than Wolverine.  I do that kind of stuff with Wolverine all the time.  AND IT DIDN’T EVEN MENTION THOSE TWO OR THREE OR FIVE TIMES THAT I’VE DIED!  I’m almost as angry with this as I was in this book with the movie that the guy in the book made about me.  Almost.  At least the book is mostly right.

But what about T-Ray?  I miss T-Ray.  And I miss Blind Al.  And Weasel.  Well, Weasel before in tried to PENETRAITOR me.

Oh man, I just got it.

I was hoping this book would be a chance for me to behave like I used to, back when – except for when I was just a silly NINJA ASSASSIN drawn by an idiot.  I don’t want to go back that far.  Man, what about Ajax?  At least Duane wasn’t completely funny, and at least he made me funny.

And I didn’t have to deal with those stupid voices.  That was my favourite part.  I’ve gotten really sick of those stupid voices.

Fuck you.


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