Blackest Evil – GEDDIT? GEDDIT?

Hey FUCKERS!

Those kids think that they’re so smart – but they’re not!  Nope.  Not even close to smart.  Not even close to even almost as smart as I was that time that Black Swan was making me stupider.  That’s how smart they are: they’re smart like a stupid me.  HA. HA. HA.

Fuckers.  Locked me up in a basement.  Adam had the rope and he told me that Safeer had tied me up.  That Safeer is a shifty one, that’s for sure.  Trying to put me off the scent by making Adam tie me up in Safeer’s basement.  I’m not stupid guys. Just because it was Adam with the rope doesn’t mean nothin’. I know that it was really Safeer who tied me up in his basement.

So I got myself out of his basement and I stabbed him in the back and then I stole his shoes.

HA. I hope he likes that.  Because now his life is FUCKED because I stole his shoes.  HA.

Oh but I didn’t stop there.  Oh no.  I know that Bradley was in on it too.  He thought he could away with it, with crying and with denying and with screaming like a four year girl with too much estrogen.  But I didn’t fall for it.  I know he was in on it.  They’re clever, but I’m clevererer. I tied Bradley to a chair in his basement.  And then I put my socks in his mouth.  MY DIRTY SOCKS.  That probably taste like cancer.  Then I left him, with no food.  I’m going to wait until he gets so hungry that he has no choice but to eat those socks.  Then I’ll go untie him.  Damn, I’m good.

So after I tied Bradley up in his basement, I went to find Adam.  My fellow victim in this little tale.  He was looking pretty good for someone who was sexually abused by an aggressive pan-dimensional Charizard trained by Safeer and used to force Adam to tie me to a chair in Safeer’s basement.  Poor kid.  I decided to make him my sidekick, but he was pretty useless when it came to doing things.  So I abandoned him in some Hydra base.  I left him all of my guns though.  If he wants to get out of there bad enough, he’ll manage.  I’m doing him a favour.  If he ever wants to be a true sidekick, then he needs to have some sort of talent.  Right now he’s a useless as clothes on Ms. Marvel.

Oh man, Ms. Marvel.  Is she even real in this Universe?

But anyone, I’m waiting at Adam’s computer.  I figure I’ll give him a week, if we don’t see him before then, I guess Hydra killed him.  It’s no real big loss.  He has some great stuff that I’ve been going through.  I read some of his comics.  Man, his Deadpool comics are great.  There’re so many of them.  If I was into that sort of stuff, I would so be turned on by the amount of me there is.  He has some DC comics too.  Thankfully none of these particular comics had that rip-off asshole Slade Wilson in it.  Deathstroke.  Like fuck he is.

I was reading his Blackest Night comics by that Johns fella.  They were good, and I love me some zombies.  But it was really missing something, ya know?  It was missing me.  It could have been really improved by me coming in with a Green Lantern Ring and saving the day, or maybe my alter-verse zombie head could have been the big bad that the Black Lanterns summoned out of the battery or whatever.  That wouldn’t be very fair on the Lantern Corps though, if I was the big bad.  Even as just a head, any version of me would kick their ass.  Man, Johns really missed the mark with that one.  I might go tell him.

And while I’m out I might go see if I can find my zombie head.  I know that I left the little fella somewhere, and I think it was in this universe.  It may have been in the one with the version of me with tits.  Or maybe I left it with Bill.  Or did I leave it with one of these three idiots?  Actually, I’m going to go see if Ms. Marvel exists in this Universe.

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