Hugh Jackman’s Butt

SPOILERS

Wolverine loses his memory!

If X2 was pretty good and X3 was abysmal, Wolverine rates somewhere in the middle. Maybe the lower middle, sure, but it was fairly enjoyable. Some parts were fun eye candy whilst others were worth a cringe or three, but I think, overall, it was watchable. I suppose it’s these details we’re about to go over, including I’m sure (if I know us well enough) repeated mention of Wolverine’s posterior (that’s already two).

I think that Forte is being much too kind. I’d say that it is exactly as bad as X-Men 3. I despise X-Men 3. He’s right in that there was some fun eye candy but X3 had eye candy too.

Maybe I am. I just didn’t feel as negatively towards it as I did towards X3. I think that has a lot to do with expectations. With X3, I had randomly rented it from a DVD store with no presumptions about what it was going to be. I’ve known Wolverine would be odourous for a while now, thanks to the internet, so maybe I was let down less as a result.

I agree with Forte on this. X3 was worse. I think Wolverine was enjoyable on at least some level for us comic fans, even though we dislike some/all of the changes, whereas X3 just plain didn’t work.

And Wolverine *did*? Not a single element of the plot is adequately explained, a lot of the character behaviour is illogical and the character inconsistencies between this Stryker and X2 Stryker are, well, startling. At least X3 follows a logical plot line from A to B. Is the plot any good? No. The plot is a convoluted mess of useless characters reacting to too much happening all at once. But at least it was logical. The biggest problem with X3 was the blasphemous treatment of iconic comic book characters and a very, VERY cheesy demonstration.

Oh, by the way guys: we all went ahead and saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine today. We’re sorta doing a review right now.

ANYWAY, Wolverine shared both of these faults with X3 plus a plot that just did not make any fucking sense!

The plot kind of made sense. Okay maybe it didn’t, Weapon XI being given a bunch of powers under the pretence of ‘Jason Stryker + Wolverine = Final Boss’  was ludicrous, but other than that I thought the plot mostly worked. I didn’t like the girlfriend being alive though, that was very annoying and not executed believably.

Well, I have to agree. I don’t think the *entire* thing was incoherent, to be honest. We can agree that X3 and Wolverine both misrepresent and misuse the characters and the overall execution of both is poor, but the way the plot, well, fails is different. X3 tried to execute too many plot lines at once (the cure, the Phoenix, you could stretch it and say something about Xorn (in fact: I DID)) and it was a very convoluted mess. I think Wolverine chugged along decently up until a certain point, and I can’t pinpoint exactly where (maybe one of you can), but that’s when the plot started making no sense and everyone decided to start acting out of character. It was enjoyable up until then, but after that, it was a bloody mess (pun intended) until the end. But hey, at least the fights were still cool.

Like I said to Vyperchild while we were waiting for the train home: the movie was fine up until Gambit.

I don’t believe I agreed at the time, but on later consideration, you are correct. Gambit was where the movie started to trail off into absurdity and stupidity. Not that Gambit was bad, I actually quite liked the way they dealt with him. Sure, he didn’t have an accent, but he made for a decent fight scene (even if it was only for the purposes of delaying Wolverine and Sabretooth’s inevitable confrontation) and his powers were accurate to the background. Showing up at the end to save Wolverine was crap and pointless though, and then he didn’t even help those kids at all, he just let them get on the helicopter with the creepy old guy (I know it was Xavier, it’s a joke).

Inevitable confrontation with Sabretooth? That totally never happened.

We’ll, Sabretooth aside (one mess at a time), Gambit made for a cool display of powers, and the actor didn’t do a terrible job or anything (like say, Halle Berry as Halle Be- I mean, as Storm), but he made very little impact. Despite all the people that want to have sex with him, they really did throw him aside. They used him exactly twice, both as a painfully obvious plot device. Delay the movie by stopping Wolverine, get Wolverine to THE ISLAND right after, and the other aforementioned terrible and especially unnecessary bit at the end where he saves Wolverine from falling debris. Sure, the accent isn’t a major hiccup, but small ones do add up, and was it that hard to get it right when he had so very few lines to begin with?

wolverine-x-men-origins-gambit-movie-2009-cards“I was in this movie for a whole twenty minutes! And I got to twirl my stick like a helicopter once! Whee!”

His accent was totally a major hiccup. It’s one of the very most integral aspects of Gambit’s character! I mean, that’s what he is. The Cajun unintelligible thief who blows up cards. Like Forte said: NOT. TOO. HARD. I find that the smaller things hurt as much as the bigger things because the smaller things, to me, indicate a laziness and an overall apathy with regards to the characters, plot, acting, direction, source material and fanbase. I mean, they didn’t even give him red eyes. That’s two very small things that would NOT take a whole lot of effort.

That’s the Gambit that the fanbase LOVES. I don’t understand why the movie gave us something so very different. He was included for the SOLE PURPOSE OF FANSERVICE. So where WAS THE FANSERVICE?

Speaking of small things – Sabretooth. Not in that way. Aesthetically, Sabretooth was still gruff and mean and everything and was good. But he needed some more hair. Character-wise there were no problems aside from one tiny little thing at the end. Sabretooth saves Wolverine. Then they team-up. That shouldn’t have happened. They wanted to kill each other, not be best buddies ‘Back to back!’. Barring those two things though, Sabretooth was fun, and had a great deal more depth than his counterpart from the X-Men movies.

What he said. Speaking of the ending ruining everything, what was up with that Silverfox bullshit? It was ridiculously contrived (“and here’s a flashback to show how we did it, folks!”) and in the end she still loved him anyway so it was just a predictable yet painful plot twist used for the sake of being a plot twist. I was also very confused why he just walked out of the place after the reveal instead of gutting Stryker in the groin (groining him? Wow, that is an awesome word). Did I miss something?

See, that’s what I meant by illogical. The plot suddenly found itself constrained by the events of X2. James wanted to kill Stryker, but he couldn’t because Stryker is very much alive by the time the plot reaches X2. So the writers, instead of coming up with a reasonable excuse as to how Stryker gets away, sorta just have James conveniently choose NOT to draw and quarter the bastard. The same with the final act – as ridiculous as the BROTHERS FOREVER was, there was no logical reason as to why James didn’t turn around and cut Victor’s head off. Again: it didn’t happen because Sabretooth shows up in X1, further along in the plot. It hit the exact same snag as Star Wars did with R2D2 and C3PO. For it to fit in with the plot, those droids needed to not know ANYTHING. So lol mind wipe. The same happens here and the plot suffers just as greatly. But, well, the writer’s COULD have done better. I mean, Sabretooth maybe DOESN’T save the day at the end? That’s two problems avoided all at once. Really bad writing that is.

Oh yes, the mind wipe. The writer’s most certainly could have done better there. Not sure how, what with Wolverine’s memories tucked neatly behind an impervious skull, but adamantium bullets were not the way to go.  For one, would the bullets really be able to dent, let alone pierce adamantium that thick? And, assuming that they could, then why doesn’t Wolverine have two holes in his skull in the X-Men movies? The mind wipe was, of course, necessary, but it wasn’t carried through with logic (The more I write the more I question my earlier leniency on the plot, interesting).

Pretty sure that nothing can cut adamantium – not even adamantium. Of course, that’s talking about PURE adamantium. Wolverine’s bones were never PURE adamantium until he met up with Apocalypse. So the writer’s may have a case. But I digress.

One has to wonder why they didn’t just have Stryker do it while he was almost-dead from the adamantium infusion. Sure, they used Stryker’s “erase his memory” comment as an excuse for Wolverine to wake up and go AWOL, but surely there are easier ways to write in an excuse for Wolverine to be angry than there are ways of having his memory erased. Especially if the best alternative they could come up with can’t even be readily accepted by any of us.

I’m pretty sure that James loses his memories either during or as a direct result of the Weapon X procedure in the comics.  I’m also willing to bet that there was a certain degree of conditioning involved in the process, as the idea was to make Weapon X a WEAPON. The movie totally missed the point with that, deciding instead to use James a stepping stone between the presumed Weapon IX and the bastardised Deadpool that was Weapon XI.

I believe you’re right about the procedure being the cause of the memory loss in the comics. But back to the film. We’ve already spoken about Gambit’s unnecessary involvement in the movie, but there were a number of other cameos that caused me to wonder why they chose to do it. Firstly, Emma Frost. There are innumerable other mutants that could have served the entirety of her functions in the movie (those being to stop Cyclops getting shot and to be Silverfox’s motivation to free the kids). I can understand that the writers may have wanted to set up a Xavier/Emma meeting or whatever, but she didn’t really have to be in this film.

I liked the inclusion of Emma if for no other reason other than some very, very subtle ScottXEmma foreshadowing. Or maybe I made that up and it wasn’t actually present in the text. I did not like, however, that she was made Silverfox’s sister. I *also* didn’t like that they ignored her telepathy. Scott is aware of Xavier’s telepathy but Emma ISN’T. She’s the third strongest telepath in the Marvel Universe and she’s completely oblivious to Xavier? That better be bad writing and not the worse alternative.

(That being that the writers actively decided not to include her telepathy in her power set).

Hang on just a fucking minute. Silverfox is fucking Canadian. Making Emma Frost Silverfox’s sister makes Emma Frost fucking Canadian! I adamantly refuse to accept Emma Frost without her pretentious English upbringing and accent.

Don’t worry, the movie doesn’t explicitly say Silverfox is born in Canada. She could have moved there specifically for the reason of finding her sister.

Did Emma have any dialogue and, more importantly, did she have her accent?

Only a few words, and no.

So, they give Kurt his accent in X2. Halle Berry has an accent for like, one piece of dialogue then drops it. They drop Piotr’s accent in X2 and they drop Emma’s accent in this movie. Oh, AND Gambit. That’s one for five, with a possible case for Wolverine’s “Canadian” accent.

Clearly 20th Century Fox are racists.

Kurt’s accent does not count. It was awful.

Speaking of awful:

Deadpool. Or should I say, SOME-OTHER-GUY-WHO-ISN’T-DEADPOOL (fine, YOU come up with something better!)

Wade. Oh god Wade. None of us went into this expecting ‘Deadpool’ to be done right. It’d be virtually impossible with a character of his quirkiness to be conveyed outside of the comics. Yellow speech bubbles don’t work in films after all. But they didn’t even try. Admittedly, as plain old Wade Wilson at the beginning he was quite funny. But he wasn’t insane funny. And the twirling helicopter katana of bullet-destroying fury was nothing like Wade’s usual style of combat (where was his insulting people while deflecting their bullets?!). Then Weapon XI happened. Our beloved Deadpool became this:

And this is why I can never, ever, like this movie. It does to me exactly what X3 did to me and that was ruin so many of the characters that I adore. Scott Summers – Cyclops – is purely my favourite character in all of the comic book medium. One movie kills him off and then this movie just does him WRONG. You might think it’s a small thing but when I see Scott’s shoot LASERS / HEAT BEAMS from his eyes I get so angry. He’s supposed to shoot CONCUSSIVE BLASTS. That means the red stuff hits thing; it doesn’t burn things. But Scott was a very sidelined character in this film. If it was just that, I’d have been okay. But the movie doesn’t stop there! It messes with Deadpool, like Vyperchild said. I could be really obvious and complain about the mouth, but no: I’m going to complain about the fact that he is a MUTANT. It’s like, it’s like making Frodo an Elf instead of a Hobbit. Wade Wilson is a HUMAN BEING. HOMO SAPIEN. And then they messed with my Emma. Three strikes against this movie: I don’t like it.

That’s it from me! /woosh

This movie falls apart under critical analysis, just like X3. But so do other similar disasters like Spider-Man 3 and Transformers, and I can’t deny I still enjoyed watching them (or parts of them), and I can’t deny I didn’t enjoy Wolverine. In hindsight and in memory it gets worse and worse, riddled with flaws and poor writing and choices that make it, undeniably, a bad movie. But it’s definitely not the *worst* I’ve ever seen, and I’m sure there will be worse to come. God bless Hollywood!

I did enjoy this film. It was pleasing enough to the eyes, had decent action and a few nice moments. I will watch it again in a few months and I will have fun doing so. However, I didn’t like this film. It needlessly tampered with fan-favourite characters and the plot had more than it’s fair share of problems. Screwing with Deadpool is probably the biggest problem for me, everything else, although annoying, can more-or-less be dealt with. Luckily, Weapon XI is only a clone of Wade, so maybe a spin-off can redeem him. I sure hope so, I want some red and black spandex and hideous cancer skin. But then again, they could totally screw him over in some new ways. For now though, they screwed up. But somewhat enjoyably.

Actually, it never said anything of the sort, which leaves them more options to screw up on that movie. And to end the review on a relevant picture:

Note: Safeer here! Retroactively giving this movie a *, for consistency’s sake.

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